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Where I’ve Been Part 3

Admitting to our faults is never easy…

But sometimes it’s something we must do. In the span of our marriage, I became somebody I hadn’t recognized, and I realized my husband had changed as well. Most people would say, “fight for your marriage!”

And I tried, unlike what you’ll think. It wasn’t until March 2017 that everything came to a head…

My boss told me he had big dreams constantly. I loved my job, but I was a realistic type person. I was still working part-time, except for tax season. I realized this was something I really wanted to do for the rest of my life. Something I would enjoy. You know how rare it is to wake up Monday morning and WANT to go into work?

Anyways, in March of 2017, he told me that he saw me as a full-time employee in the future, and that we would build his business together. I saw his dream, and I saw my part in it. And I wanted it with everything inside of me.

I called my husband to tell him the good news! And he was… less than enthusiastic. He had gotten it into his head that I would eventually just move back to him. I had never said in any certain terms I would move to Nebraska. I always said we’ll see who has the better job. And now I had proof, he was not wanting to compromise.

I heard it in his voice, but I let it go. We had already been at each other’s throats the past couple of weeks due to another financial issue.

When I told my parents, I finally got the feedback I was looking for! Even they were a little hesitant, because I was still part-time, but my enthusiasm held out. I assured them I would work two jobs to afford everything. I didn’t care, I wanted to hold onto my job! As a mom, my boss understood if something came up with my daughter. He provided assurance my job would be there if I had to pick her up. I was all she had!

Later that week, I decided to ask my husband to move back to California. As I wanted to pursue my dream career!

I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life. He paused.

The gap in this conversation, became the fuel I needed to press him.

“I guess I’ll come back,” he said.

“But you don’t want to,” I realized.

“I think Nebraska has better options for us,” he countered. “The living cost is cheaper, and here I have a job. My son is out here.”

**I should pause to mention my step-son lives in Nebraska with his mom and step-dad.

“I’m not asking you to choose between your daughter and your son,” I said carefully. “I’m asking you to move to California so we can build a better life.”

He paused again. “Ok,” he said tentatively.

But that was it for me. That singular moment. I realized neither of us wanted to budge. There was no compromise. I sent him home to get his act together, and I felt he hadn’t accomplished it. He went home to go home, and thought I would be a dutiful wife and follow along.

This is where I get nasty. I did not want to leave my home. I wanted my career, my home, my life. I wanted to plant roots in my hometown and watch them grow. I wanted my daughter near my parents and my family.

He wanted the same things. At this point, it didn’t matter to me. We had become so toxic, I didn’t even enjoy talking to him.

“I’m done.” Almost 5 years of marriage undone with two words. March 24, 2017. I didn’t cry. I had been thinking of this for months, but I had hoped to work it out.

It wasn’t until I went to pick up my daughter, that I cried. I cried for her. I cried that she would never have the American Dream. She wouldn’t have both of her parents. And it was my fault.

I was racked with guilt. I apologized to the daycare provider, and gathered my almost 2 year in my arms and hugged her tight. I told myself she would never go without. I told myself she would know love, hope, support, and comfort.

I took her home, and told my parents.

I couldn’t afford to be weak. So I sucked back my tears until I was alone, and I comforted myself in the shower, in the car on the way home. I smiled at my daughter, planned her second birthday and took care of business.

What else was I supposed to do?

 

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