And feeling so tired that even changing into your pajamas is hard.
Sorry I’ve been absent for a month, I struggle with my mental health (as do many others). For me, it shows up in sneaky ways. I struggle with high-functioning depression. I look fine on the outside, I show up to work and I can get out of bed.
But I’m not OK. My work suffers, I have difficulty concentrating and completing tasks. I start to overeat, and my weight goes up. I start consuming more sugar and soda to “wake up”. My acne suffers – I get cystic acne, no amount of face wash, moisturizing cream, or salicylic acid can save me. And it PISSES me off when people ask me: “Have you tried this? It’s worked WONDERS on my skin!” Bitch, I’ve tried everything, IT’S NOT MY SKIN, IT’S MY HORMONES.
I had to go to the effing doctor and get shot up in the face with steroids because a particularly bad cyst was infecting my face. I got put back on a round of antibiotics (that I’ll probably be taking for the rest of my life, unless my hormones get under control). Sorry, I just hate when people assume that I don’t take care of my skin.
I went to the doctor for my face and because I’ve been feeling off. The nurse immediately starting asking me the “Depression Questions”. If you’ve been diagnosed before, you’ll recognize them:
“Have you lost interest in activities that used to make you happy?”
“Are you having thoughts of self-harm or suicide?”
“Are you having difficulties focusing?”
I felt the tears well up in my eyes… I was diagnosed with depression at 24, although it probably started when I was 16 – but my mom refused to let me see a therapist. But that’s another blog for another day. I felt so annoyed at myself – how had I not noticed the signs?
I was also diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and I’m usually on edge more than depressed. I’m prepared to deal with my anxiety as it’s been more prevalent in my life. I overreact, I’m overly paranoid, I get panic attacks. I know how to calm myself down from a panic attack. (Also, the methods used for panic attacks work great for labor! Just saying…)
I felt frustrated with myself immediately. She walked out with her tablet full of my answers, and the doctor came in to look at my skin.
He shot me up full of steroids – and I immediately had a vaso-vagal reaction and nearly passed out. Then I started to cry – because I almost passed out from a shot to my face.
The doctor was nice and got me to calm down, but after leaving the doctor’s office… I’m going to finally get some therapy.
Yes, it’s been 12 years of hell, and I’ve never seen a therapist. I figured I didn’t have time. And as a full-time working, single mom – I am with less time than I’ve ever had.
But my daughter deserves me at my best. And I deserve to feel happy. To feel productive and useful. Depression is a sneaky bitch, and don’t let anyone make you feel less than because of it!
Sometimes, those who make those comments, are suffering from it, too. But they don’t know how to cope.
That’s where I’ve been, every time I thought to myself: I should make a post… I couldn’t. I was too tired and I had no ideas. I’m going to try and climb out of the funk again. Stay tuned.